Another day, another month in my joke of a life!
Before I get too far ahead of myself again, I need to recap certain events. And continue the arrival of the Kevin story.
He breezes in big, loud, and American. Accent on loud. We all sit down in the sitting room and Declan and Paddy prepare for a deep lungful of homemade water-cooled wastebin bong smoke. So Paddy does one, then so does Declan. Kevin has been eyeing the proceedings with lustful wolf eyes. Kevin says he must christen the bong. It will help take the edge off. Declan taps the poor empty bag with nought but green dust left inside and drops all those hints that anyone who was listening would pick up on. But big loud Americans never listen and Kevin gets his bong made of the last scarce remnants of Declan’s weed. He makes a big thumbs-up sign as he expands like a pufferfish. This coupled with his shaved head and huge mutton-chop sideburns really does make me laugh. Inside. Where it’s funniest.
Kevin decides to take a shower to wash the airplane from his frame. Maeve soon follows and they disappear to parts unknown. Or should I say, to her parts rediscovered.
I am like a dog following around Declan and Paddy, so obviously an outsider but so needy for conversation and companionship. They share a few rashers and pudding. I munch my toast and explain headcheese. If you can’t be indispensible at least be interesting, I figure.
They are trying to decide where to go, but as Declan has paintball the next day he doesn’t want to go down to Club Voodoo where Paddy is set on going. Anyway, Declan seems to recall that Club Voodoo is a gay bar, and Paddy is sufficiently put off.
I am ravenous, and against all my better judgments go across the street to Spar. I can’t eat those triangle sandwiches anymore with their solid skin of butter and wilted brown salads, so I totally destroy myself and buy some McVities digestive biscuits and a Kinder Egg – just because I want to be happy.
I return home to find everyone had gone. All out to Kavanaugh’s, I learn, to share a pint and the craic. I, alone at the kitchen table, eat half a very unhealthy packet of delicious digestive biscuits, which are the round and greasy version of graham crackers. It’s Bacardi 151 to the graham cracker’s Natty Light. Then I unwrap my sad little Kinder egg with one side punched in only to remember that I don’t really like the flavor of that white layered milk + chocolate that surrounded my cheesy and disappointing grinning gold plastic airplane.
I blew on its propeller a few times, and when the novelty of the whirring buzz quickly wore off I went to bed and wept along to Counting Crows track 10 which I played over and over again, hoping to sustain a flow to purge my tears of loneliness and sadness and longing but to no avail. I am a cornucopia of self-pity and my reservoir is fed by a great unlimited ocean refreshed by a constant rain. So I am never left refreshed with newly emptied tanks ready to accept the joy of discovery and novelty, but instead with an increased sense of inadequacy at not being able to feel correctly. And I fall asleep dry-eyed with a runny nose. More trouble than it’s worth.
The next day was work and as they stumbled in at 4AM I learned by walls were not soundproof and I pray that they are not noisy lovers.
To make a long story short, that afternoon Kevin decides to “test” – read “show off” – his big American equipment with which he will continue his big American recording studio’s big American work even while he’s over here in Ireland. Wow, we think, he must be very important and in-demand! He plugs it all into a powerstrip, into the wall, there is a pop like champagne, a blue spark, the radio cuts out and the living room is dead. As is the fridge. And several outlets in the kitchen.
Figure this one out, big American jack-off!
We locate fuses and switches and flip to our heart’s content and Kevin is concerned he’s blown his specially built in California by hand to order built in a day sent that afternoon arrived on the tarmac as he stepped on the plane borne by a liveried Indian prince on a cushion of magenta velvet code-named black box sound device. He goes in to a rant, Maeve curls up afraid in her chair, I go into my magazine.
Maeve tries every twelve seconds to alternatively call Michael – the landlord without a mobile or an answering machine – and to calm her big American lover with his big American temper.
Finally, drunk on his rage, he passes out and Maeve collapses in the sitting room looking frazzled and stressed. She is genuinely embarrassed.
I suggest that bottle of wine we missed the other night, and in Quinn’s she chooses the white with the highest alcohol content – 13.5%! She admits she was a bit upset by the afternoon’s activities. I said, “Really?” You could hardly tell by the way sshe gulped her wine like a fish with the sea. Swallowing for dear life.
Declan and Johnny return from their paintball battle, reeking of sweat and pockmarked with bruises. Never are they overly rushed by hygiene considerations to roll up a spliff, so they sit down and dip into the wine with us. Declan goes and gets two more – reds this time. A dark cinnamon Merlot and clean pale Pinot Noir.
Kevin is woken by the “smell of something herbal” and pulls right into a joint. The sole candle drips wax on the table in a huge, jellied dribble and flickers on faces with muted orange. Declan knocks over first one bottle of wine and then two, convincing himself that the carpet is thirsty. Kevin brings in his laptop to play music – “It’s this great 8 disc box set of Atlantic Records rhythm and blues from, like, 1940 to 1970. It’s got it all, man. It’s cool.” – and Maeve starts to dance.
Keira comes home from her weekend in Mayo and at that exact moment Maeve knocks Keira’s stereo to the floor with a crash. Keira, sour-faced, turns and silently stomps to her room. Maeve says, “Oh, she was not impressed.”
I wrap up the cord and return Keira’s radio to her in her room, where she accepts it without a word. No, indeed Maeve, she is NOT impressed.
I go to bed soon after to avoid further “unimpressive spectacles” – and awake on another glorious work-filled day. With a twist. The twist being NOT having work. But I’ve explained that already.
And here we are today. In the kitchen with my arm on the cleanliness magazine looking out on another beautiful day that I will miss as I perch on my unupholstered mountain peak and deal with the customer, who is always right.
It’s day 15 on the new calendar of 32, which makes 28 old days so taking the average I’m right at 30, with my final day figured to be August 24. Something new to which I can look forward, as I have lost my desire for the flavor of Kit Kats and thereby the possibility of the radio. And I am horrified by the amount of fat in peanuts and now I really don’t know what to eat!
Yesterday there was an armed robbery of a building society right up the road by the Tolka River. Gardaí caught the bandits and recovered the money and were trawling the river for the discarded weapon. Ah, Drumcondra, the Compton of Ireland! Maeve said she saw the chase on the way home from work. A body in a suitcase and an armed robbery equidistant from my gaff! What a crazy little place! Is it me? Am I like Jessica Fletcher, bringing destruction where I go? I like to think I’m a benevolent influence that protects from harm with my presence, which is why the crimes always occur while I’m away. I should carry all my valuables on my person, I suppose.
Showed Ali G to Kevin last night. God, it just gets funnier. I have to get a tape of him to bring home. Maybe Katherine would have one.
Time to pee then go to work. Not hard, just boring. Like a drunken frat guy.
Oh! Sirens! What am I missing? I’m sure I’ll hear on the radio this evening.
Dancing – “You get all the exercise of walking with something to hold on to.”
“The country was dancing mad. You’re always dancing mad when there’s nothing else to do.”
The appetite until 6 is solely cigarettes and water. I feel like I’m a prison warden.
His high cheekbones pulled his nose up into the air and made him unbearable.
Life is not magical, comrades. Nothing magical ever happens. Religion may be the opiate of the masses, but hope in that magic is the heroin we inject with endless books and magazines that lead us to find hope in our shitty little jokes that are our lives. You stay in that hair salon because tomorrow that rich man will come in with his frigid fiancée and instantly fall in love with you as you win his heart and conquer high society.
Well, it’s never gonna happen. Here’s a hint to spare you a lot of heartache – he’s a pedophile and you’ll end up in a cast if not a dumpster.