June 28, 2001

It just got to be far too much for me – all the rejection – and I snapped over email.  Wrote a long, self-pitying email to just about everyone.  I was getting very angry and just vented.  Reading it the next day, it was pretty silly.  I sort of chuckled and proceeded to write a disclaimer to all the recipients.  However, I figure confession is good for the soul and I just had to stop fighting it, to get on with things.  Whatever “it” actually is.

I feel rather like I’ve been slowly disassembled, or peeled like an onion, stripping away all of the healthy protective layers to get to the tender heart.  Like an artichoke then, I imagine.  And it sucks because I feel crappy and confused and the ease and comfort of friends, family and familiarity are all gone.  So I get down to the brass tacks, as it were.  The center of me.  Or I’m getting there as the days wear on and I continue to over analyze my life.  But frankly, in an unhappy and lonely way, it has been a good thing.  Stripped of all my essential defenses (even sense of humor, which no one seems to get) I am just fine.  No hospital style hallucinogenic episodes or crippling sleep-inducing depression.  I’m a little tattered, but all my pages are still there and my spine is intact.  So it really is all right.

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2 thoughts on “June 28, 2001

  1. I actually think I lost all of those emails when closed that account a long time ago. I did print out one email, from you, that I’ve held onto for a long time and I’ll be posting it in September (if that’s okay).

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